Band Geeks
by Alice Forshadow
Summary: In a parody of a SpongeBob classic, Severus Snape needs a band- and quickly. With some quick thinking from Hermione, he might just get one that can perform at the Quidditch World Cup. Or it could end with Neville stuck in a trombone. Takes place year three.
1. Chapter 1

Severus was practicing his trumpet in his office when there was a knock on the door. Madam Pomfrey came rushing in.

"Hagrid's worried there's a dying animal in here." replied Madam Pomfrey.

* * *

That encounter left Severus in a rather unfortunate mood that he was extra grumpy in the potions class the next day. Which didn't make it any better when Lucius Malfoy showed up.

"I should probably leave you be. I hear you have a dying animal to attend to." replied Lucius.

"Lucius Malfoy." replied Severus, walking back to his desk.

"So, I hear you're playing the potions bottles now." replied Lucius.

Severus looked at the bottles of potions the students had turned in and swept them all off the desk and into a wastebasket, where they broke and made many small explosions.

"Sometimes." replied Severus. "How's the hair?"

"It's sleek, shiny, and more beautiful than yours ever will be." replied Lucius, giving a hair flip. "I'm the leader of a fancy band playing at the Quidditch World Cup."

"The Quidditch World Cup?" asked Harry quietly in awe.

"I'm living your dreams Severus. The problem is, the band came down with dragon pox and can't do it." replied Lucius. "I was hoping your band could cover for us."

Severus was quiet.

"Ha! I knew it! You don't have a band! Well, I'll let you get back to your lesson plans now." replied Lucius, starting to leave.

"Actually, it just so happens I'm not a potion's teacher, I do have a band, and we're going to play at the Quidditch World Cup!" snapped Severus. "How do you like that pretty boy?"

Lucius stopped and looked back at Severus.

"Well then, good luck on Tuesday." replied Lucius. "I hope the audience brings lots of ibuprofen."

And with that, he walked away.

Severus stood in silence for a moment.

"Professor?" Neville asked warily.

"Pack up your things, class dismissed." replied Severus. "You all pass for today."

"But we still have more than half of the class-" Hermione asked while her eager classmates packed up their ingredients.

"I SAID CLASS DISSMISSED GRANGER." Severus snapped at Hermione.

Hermione quickly packed up her ingredients and followed her classmates of the door.

After the last third year left the room, Severus sighed.

"I need to drum up a band and fast. Ha, drum. Band humor."

* * *

"What luck!" Ron exclaimed as he was sitting in the common room with Hermione and Harry. "He didn't even give us homework!"

Hermione was writing something down on a parchment as she quickly picked it up and exited the common room. Ron and Harry followed as she posted the parchment on the bulletin board.

 _Looking to fulfil your dull school life? Then be part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit the wizarding world and be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know! Not to mention free refreshments! Practice begins tonight at 8:30 sharp in the potion's classroom._

"You're mental if you think anyone's going to come to practice band with Snape." replied Ron.

"Please, he deserves it!"Hermione replied. "Think of all he's done to help others!"

Hermione than walked back to the commons room.

* * *

Severus, who was grading essays, heard a loud crash from outside at 8:00 that night.

"Peeves, you better not be-" began Severus before seeing that the noise was being caused by a bushy haired third year, using a hovering charm to bring a box full of instruments down the stairs.

"Sorry for the wait professor. That rental clerk didn't know a oboe from an elbow." replied Hermione.

Severus almost laughed, yet kept giving Hermione a glare as she brought the box inside the classroom and set it on the ground.

"What are you doing out of your common room at this hour?" asked Severus.

"Preparing for your band to show up." replied Hermione, taking out the instruments from the box and setting them around the room. "Where should the percussionists go?"

Severus paused.

"Band?"

* * *

Soon enough, half an hour later the potions classroom was full of Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins holding instruments and preparing for the lesson.

"Alright." Severus replied. "Now how many of you know how to play an instrument?"

"Do instruments of torture count?" asked Draco.

"No." replied Severus.

"Is mayonnaise an instrument?" asked Goyle.

"No, Goyle, mayonnaise is not an instrument." replied Severus. "Neither is horseradish."

"I can play the flute!" replied Hermione.

"Alright, so no one knows how to play an instrument." replied Severus. "Good thing I have enough talent for you all."

"When do we get the free food?" asked Crabbe.

"Alright. I'm going to play some basic cords." replied Severus, pulling out his trumpet. "You just play them back to me."

Severus played a few notes on his trumpet.

"Brass section, go." replied Severus.

The Ravenclaws may have been the smartest in the room, yet clearly not good at playing instruments.

"Now winds." replied Severus.

The Hufflepuff's weren't much better.

"And the drums." repled Severus.

The Slytherins completely misunderstood and started blowing on their drumsticks, and within five seconds they drumsticks had stuck Severus to the wall by his robes.

"Good thing that didn't kill me." sighed Severus.

* * *

"Everyone line up in rows of five." Severus responded.

"Is this the part where we start kicking?" Dean asked.

"No Dean, that's a chorus line." replied Hermione.

"Kicking? I want to do some kicking!" Neville exclaimed and too eagerly kicked and accidentally kicked Romilda Vane.

"WHY I OUGHTA-" shouted Romilda, tackling Neville to the ground. The two rolled on the floor and out the door. A few minutes later, Neville let out a scream. Romilda walked back in, winking at Harry as she resumed her place in line.

Neville limped back in, a trombone stuck on his head.

"To the owner of the Cleansweep, you left you lights on."

 **To be continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, that meeting was a disaster." replied Seamus that next day at breakfast. "Romilda got a weeks detention and quit the band, and Neville's still up in the hospital wing for all we know."

"Okay. We're two members down. We can still do this." replied Hermione, finishing up her breakfast and rushing upstairs. "I'm going to get another hour of practice in before class starts."

Ron and Harry watched her go.

"Honestly, I'll never get that girl." replied Harry to Ron.

"What's she going to make us do next?" asked Ron. "Support the freedom of house elves?"

* * *

When Professor Sprout was grading papers that night, she suddenly heard an awful noise coming from the field.

Looking out the window of the greenhouse, she saw Severus Snape leading a group of students who were playing musical instruments across the yard.

"What kind of punishment is this?" she asked herself, horrified.

* * *

"Come on, march!" shouted Snape as the students marched across the field, playing horribly, while the Parvati and Weasley twins twirled batons. "Come on majorettes, spin the batons, really spin!"

At that moment, Fred spun his so hard that he let it go and it went airborne.

Harry's Nimbus 2000, which somehow had narrowly avoided the Walloping Willow and was still flying around two days after the match, was zooming around when the baton hit it, causing a tremendous explosion.

Luna started to play a tribute on her trumpet as the other students put their hands over their hearts.

Except for Severus, who had laid on the ground and curled into a ball.

* * *

That next day at breakfast, Hermione dragged a couple other younger Gryfindors to the common room to work on their solos.

"Come on, we can't let Professor Snape down!" she told Ginny as the second year was trying to focus on her drum music. "Colin, how are you coming along with your solo on the tuba?"

"I don't think this is the right intsrmaent for me." replied Colin, barely noticeable from behind his tuba as he struggled to keep it held up.

"You can do it! Professor Snape is counting on us!" Hermione told him.

Colin blew into the tuba and did his solo flawlessly.

"Good work Colin! I told you that-" Hermione began.

Then Colin fainted from exhaustion.

* * *

That night was the last rehearsal before the Quidditch World Cup, and Severus was losing hope.

"Okay, so it's the last rehearsal and I know we haven't improved since the first night." Severus told the students.

He glanced over at Ginny, who had gotten her head stuck in the tuba from when she switched instruments with Colin (so that the second year could be seen at least).

"I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to act smart, right?" asked Severus.

"CORRECT!" shouted Percy.

"So if we play loudly, we might sound good!" Severus finished.

The students eagerly picked up their instruments.

"And a one, a two, a one two, ready play!" Severus told them.

* * *

There was a sudden, loud, noise coming from the castle. It was the most horrible noise that anyone had ever heard. From inside the castle, students who had taken an early night woke up in alarm, and those working on papers knocked over ink and broke the tips of their quills. Animals hissed and hooted, and a panic swept the castle.

From the Forbidden Forest, Bane looked at the noise coming from the castle.

"And that." responded Bane to the young centaur he was talking to "Is why we don't talk to wizards and witches."

* * *

"SEVERUS SNAPE!" shouted Professor McGonagall after the noise ended from the upstairs. "Keep the noise down! There are students trying to sleep!"

"Okay. New theory." reploed Severus. "Maybe if we play so quietly no one will hear us."

"Well maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some of us weren't playing with big meaty claws!" shouted Pansy, glaring at Crabbe.

"What did you say to me Parkinson?" asked Crabbe.

"Big. Meaty. CLAWS!" shouted Pansy.

"I'll have you know that these claws aren't just for the bass drum!" shouted Crabbe.

"Bring it on Vincent, bring it on!"

"No people!" replied Cedric. "Let's be calm and bring it off."

"Oh, so now the vampire is going to preach to us!" shouted Millicent.

"Hey! You can't talk to my boyfriend like that!" Cho shouted.

"Oh, it's on Chang!" shouted Millicent, tackling Cho to the ground. Harry, Cedric, and Hermione ran in to break it up, only to get dragged into the fight as well.

"Wait, I know tensions are high..." began Severus.

However, it was too late and the entire band classroom was in a full out brawl before anyone could break it up.

This lasted several minutes of fighting and Severus failing to break up the fight when suddenly Fred looked up.

"Hey, class is over." Fred stated.

At once, everyone stopped fighting, stood up, collected their instruments, and began to walk out of the potions classroom.

"Well, you did it."

Everyone stopped and looked back at Snape.

"You took the one chance at happiness and crushed it." replied Severus "Crushed it into little, tiny, bite sized pieces." He looked at the Slytherins. "I really had expected better from you people. I guess I'm a loser for that too."

Severus started to walk away.

"Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident." replied Severus. "So thanks. Thanks for nothing."

He shut the door to his office, as the other students looked at the door. Hermione held her flute in her hands, looking sad.

"Hermione?" asked Ron, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"I really wanted this." Hermione told them, tears filling her eyes. "So thanks. Thanks for taking it away."

And with that, Hermione put her flute down on a desk and burst into tears, running out of the room. The students looked guilty at each other until finally, Luna said something.

"You're welcome."

 **To be concluded**


	3. Chapter 3

"What kind of people are we?" asked Harry. "Those poor people came to us in their moment of need and we failed them. Hasn't Hermionie always been there for us? Hasn't Snape always been there for us when it was most coinvent for him? Ginny, when you were stuck in the chamber of secrets, who got you out?"

"You did." replied Ginny.

"And Oliver, when your heart gave out from shouting at the Quidditch team during the practices before the finals, who revived you?" asked Harry.

"Some lady from St. Mungo's." replied Oliver.

"Right. So if we can imagine Snape and Hermione as Harry, or a worker at St. Mungo's, then we can all come together and see what it really takes to be a band!" Ron added.

"YEAH! FOR HARRY!" shouted Colin.

"Let's make Snape and Hermione proud!" shouted Harry, standing in front of the class. "A one, a two, a skiddly diddly do!"

* * *

Snape was sitting on the steps of the Quidditch stadium when Hermione came up clutching her flute, both wearing band uniforms and pacing back and forth.

"I knew this was going to happen!" exclaimed Hermione.

"They're just going to have to find another band to play! I just hope that-" Severus began before he saw a familiar blonde haired pureblood walking up to him. "LUCIUS DOESN'T FIND OUT! LUCIUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"I just came to watch you blow it." replied Lucius, flipping his hair. "So, where's your band?"

"They couldn't come." Hermione quickly said.

"They died." finished Severus.

"Then what's that?" asked Lucius, looking behind Severus and Hermione at where the Hogwarts students were standing, dressed in matching band uniforms and holding their instruments. Hermione and Severus turned around. Hermione gave a happy smile and ran to join the group, while Severus stood in humiliated shock.

"...That would be my band." Severus told him.

"We're ready to play Severus!" Marietta exclaimed as Hermione hugged Harry and Ron and began asking questions about how they did all this.

"Well Severus, this is exactly how I pictured your band to look." replied Lucius.

Severus looked at Hermione, who was in the front, bouncing up and down from excitement.

"That's her eager face."

* * *

"Well, I guess this will be the last time I'll ever be able to show my face in England ever again." replied Severus as they walked into the stadium.

"That's the spirt Professor Snape!" exclaimed Hermione.

The band walked into the center of the Quidditch field.

"Are you sure this is going to be okay?" asked Hermione, her joy being replaced with anxiety.

"Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's Band!" the announcer shouted over the audience.

The crowd cheered as the band took their places. Hermione nervously looked around.

"Alright everybody." replied Severus. "Let's get this over with. One, two, three... four."

He pointed his baton at the band to be responded with an intro of trumpets, followed by Lavender on keyboard playing an intro as Colin stepped up, holding a microphone.

Severus looked in shock, as did Hermione as Colin began to sing.

 _The winner takes all_

 _It's the thrill of one more kill_

 _The last one to fall_

 _Will never sacrifice their will!_

Alicia played the drums. Severus gave Lucius a smirk as Lucius stood in shock.

 _Don't ever look back on the world closing in!_

 _Be on the attack with your wings on the wind!_

 _Oh the games will begin!_

George played a brief airguitar solo

 _Sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah._

 _It's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight!_

 _Sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!_

 _And the one who's last to fall._

Severus gave a leap into the air in victory

 _The winner takes all!_


End file.
